I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
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what it’s like dating me:
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
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The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.