If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
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Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.