old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
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I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.