Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
You Might Also Like
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Lmao
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*