Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
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My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Okey dokey.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.