DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
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“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.