I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
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How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Check your privilege
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
tell em, edith-anne
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair