I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
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jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent