Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
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Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Solving a traffic jam
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no