My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?