Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I finally found a reason to live again.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe