I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
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Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
my retirement plan is braless
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.