The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
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DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Buck naked
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?