Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
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A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see