Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
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While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Received some very disappointing news today
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.