Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
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My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt