I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
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I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.