GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
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Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?