If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
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[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.