I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
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John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I hate my earbuds.
Spell check is for lasers.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.