So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
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Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*