To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
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JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
#parenting
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move