If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
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If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Well, this explains it:
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU