There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
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Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Alexa, make me look good naked.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?