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Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
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If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Just parrot things
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down