How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
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Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”