My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
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A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Clients after you give them your rates
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers