My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
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Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
normalize having existential bread
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky