GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
You Might Also Like
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Cardio Made Easy
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst