*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
You Might Also Like
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Happy thanksgiving!
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you