7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
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Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.