[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
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I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”