Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
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Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”