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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?