All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf