I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
You Might Also Like
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.