If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
You Might Also Like
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Just ordered me some pizza!
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.