There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
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A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.