I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
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Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].