Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
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I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Oh thanks BBC.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?