date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
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“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Room with a view.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.