my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
You Might Also Like
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
This is the best one I’ve seen
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.