Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
You Might Also Like
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
BaD BoY!!
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
when you are just born a rebel
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…