Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
your elf on the shelf was delicious
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter