Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
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A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
spot the difference
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward