All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
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Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Life hack
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.