I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
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A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it