Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
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Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
.. do you even science?
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Me checking my bank balance online.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this