whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
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I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I like long walks away from everyone
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
mechanics be like
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.