People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
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People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I love wikipedia
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house